After decades in the industry, the star tells PEOPLE in this week’s issue (on newsstands Friday) that he feels more inspired than ever. His new album — which features collaborations with Mindy Jones, Skylar Grey, Gregory Porter and more — is “completely different” than anything he’s released before, he adds.
Getting the opportunity to confront his younger self during the recording process was a “fascinating” experience for the musician.
“It’s paradoxical, in a way, to be who I am right now, which is kind of boring, happy and middle-aged, and look back 20 years ago to when I was selfish, narcissistic and addicted to alcohol and drugs,” says. “I look at that person, and I don’t recognize him.”
“One minute I’m walking around the Lower East Side of New York City on a Sunday morning picking up cans and bottles to return to the Food Emporium for money for groceries,” he says, “and the next I have a Top 10 single in between Michael Jackson and Phil Collins.”
“If you told me as a teen that I would be signed to a big record label, be making money and be famous, I would have thought, ‘Wow, I will be the happiest person ever,'” he says. “I was wrong.”
His 1999 albumPlaylaunched eight hit singles, including “Honey” and “Porcelain,” and brought his career to new heights. But as his success rose, he fell deeper into depression and struggled with anxiety and panic attacks.
“I was anxious, angry and panicking because I couldn’t figure out how to be happy,” he says. “That’s why I drank more and did more drugs … And I started thinking about killing myself.”
On his lowest nights he drank 20 beers and blew a couple of hundred dollars on cocaine. While under the influence, he says he’d turn into a different person.
“There’s oneSimpsonsepisode which I think sums it up,” he says. “Homer and Marge have a cocktail party, and the next day Homer is remembering what he was like and he imagines himself wearing a tuxedo, holding a martini at the Algonquin Round Table. Then the camera spins and you see him as he is, and he is this fat, sweaty, disgusting, obnoxious alcoholic.”
“When I was an alcoholic, I thought I was charming, I thought I was funny, I thought I was insightful,” he continues. “Nope, I was just a drunken idiot like Homer Simpson.”
After a night of binging, he’d pop Xanax and Vicodin to get him through the terrible hangovers the next morning. “I was miserable,” he says.
“I was like, I’ve had a career. I’m unhappy. I’m a lonely alcoholic,” he says of the moment he considered jumping out of his hotel room window. What stopped him was that the windows didn’t open wide enough.
“I was even annoyed at that,” he says in his new doc. “Like, ‘Wow, I can’t even kill myself.'”
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“It’s a hard place because no one wants to listen to an affluent public figure complaining. But when you can’t figure out how to make yourself happy and you rely on alcohol and drugs, for a lot of people the only answer is [suicide],” he says. “I’m glad I didn’t figure out how to end my life.”
“I played a fundraiser and then got very drunk after and did a ton of drugs,” he says. “As I was taking Amtrak back into the city, this voice in my head said, ‘You’re done.'”
He began attending 12-step meetings and entered therapy for the first time — things he’s remained committed to for the last 13 years.
“I started recognizing that fame and material success weren’t going to fix my psychological and emotional issues,” he says. “I’m actually quite happy with the simple things: hiking, sitting outside and looking at the trees I’ve planted. When you’ve spent your whole life struggling and pursuing grander things, it’s hard to realize these things have the ability to deliver that much happiness.”
“I remember reading this interview with the Dalai Lama, and he was talking about how happiness comes from service,” he says. “I’ve realized he’s absolutely right.”
Now he’s sharing his struggles to help others.
“I’ve really appreciated other people telling their honest stories,” he says. “I’m telling mine in the hope that people will feel less alone. I’m so grateful to have a purpose that’s higher than myself.”
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), text “STRENGTH” to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 or go tosuicidepreventionlifeline.org.
If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, please contact the SAMHSA substance abuse helpline at 1-800-662-HELP.
source: people.com
